ha di gärn

Doesn't matter what I do, how I try to control the situation, how I try to keep cool or think that I am happy, I feel inside my self this bitterness which will always follow me. I can't trust, I can't believe. ME, I am scared, for the first time in my life I am afraid, and I think that at some point I am going to stop being brave. And then everything is going to fall to pieces and the entire world is going to be above me, and I am not going to be able to stand up, perhaps anymore. I don't know if I am strong enough to survive something else. I don't know anything anymore.This life, how it is, makes me scared. One day I lost all my safetiness and I got here, into this place where I must look everywhere to defend my self, not to end even worse. Sometimes I wish I had been scared and taken a road that would have led me into safe paths, I would have never gotten here anyway, perhaps it must have been much better, perhaps would have been so tasteless, but still safe.This life, came with this whole show, and penetrated me in every single pore of my skin, made me full of life, full of death, full of love, full of hate, full of decisions, full of undecisions, full of safety, full of unsafety, made me act different, made me act better, made me act worse, landed me, took me to the sky, and what else can I add still?? What else is going to happen? I have cried, I have laughed, I have experienced all the possible feelings, I am in your arms now, but I can't feel safe anyway... I don't know what to feel, what to say, what not to say, where to go, what to do... I don't want to be in the cold night all alone.Sometimes I tell you things and I don't think you will understand them. I don't know who's younger here, actually me, or you...This bitterness of not knowing, this bitterness of the unpredictable. Sometimes there's so much happiness, but sometimes there's so much pain, this nail in my heart tearing it in thousand pieces and then everything goes away with looking at your calm. Sometimes I wish I could burst into tears and cry my blood as well.I want to let go... I want to let all these feelings just go... I wish I could give my self and trust. I don't want to be afraid of living, I don't want to be afraid of loosing, I don't want to be afraid any more of what tomorrow will bring, I don't want to be afraid of this sort of bitterness I taste in the air at times. I want and I need to trust in my inner impulse.